Tuesday, November 27, 2012

101 Reasons by Jerry W Crews

An embittered wife calls her mother for consolation after discovering that her husband has been unfaithful in this comedy by Jerry W. Crews

Brushing a strand of gray hair from her forehead the elderly woman picked up the ringing phone. Her daughter was on the other end sobbing uncontrollably. She was not surprised.

This was the call she had been dreading, but knew it was bound to come ever since her daughter had decided to marry Chet. From the first time she had met him she knew he was no good. He had shifty eyes and a sneaky smile. She had done her best to warn her daughter without coming across as the meddling in-law. But alas, her advice was ignored and now he had broken her heart and probably ended their marriage.

"Mamma!" wailed her daughter as soon as the phone was answered. "He's an animal!"

"What has he done this time?"

"You'll never believe it," continued her distraught daughter. "He's had an affair."

"I believe it."

1. I have a headache.

2. Not tonight.

3. I'm tired.

4. My back hurts.

5. My feet hurt.

6. My teeth hurt.

7. I hurt.

8. It's been a long day.

9. You don't love me.

10. The kids are not asleep yet.

11. We'll wake the kids.

12. You don't want me. You only want sex.

13. You've been mean to me all week.

14. I'm sleepy.

15. I've got to get up early.

16. I'm not in the mood.

17. You need to bathe.

"I've done my best to be a good wife and then he goes and does something like this! He's broke my heart, mamma. He's broke my heart!" she sputtered as her mother closed her eyes to fight back her own tears.

"You are a good wife. You've loved him and put up with more than most other woman would've."

"How could he do this? What did I do to push him away?" wept the young wife.

"Nothing! You did nothing wrong. Some men are just animals. I was afraid this was going to happen. I tried to warn you but you were too blinded by love."

"I did everything for him," she continued. "I mean I'm not perfect, but neither is he."

"Evidently he's far from being perfect. You did all you could. You can only do so much. He doesn't deserve someone as good as you."

"We had our ups and downs. But all marriages have that, don't they mamma?" she asked as she fought hard to control her emotions.

"Yes, they do dear. But that's no excuse for what he's done. You have nothing to be sorry about. He's the philandering fool! A loving husband would never cheat on his wife. He'd go out of his way to work out any problems he has."

18. It's too hot.

19. It's too cold.

20. I have the strangest feeling that someone is watching us.

21. The dog is looking.

22. It's the middle of the day. Someone might come over.

23. I think I have a yeast infection.

24. I'm watching TV.

25. My hips hurt.

26. I have cramps!

27. Your hands are cold!

28. Your forehead is hot.

29. We just did it last week!

30. I'm too close to having my period.

31. It's that time of the month.

32. I'm still spotting.

33. There are a lot of other things we need to be thinking about instead of sex.

34. I'm sorry but I took a sleeping pill. It's working...

"I love him so much!" she blurted out.

"I know you do. But I'm afraid you love him far more than he loves you. A husband who loves his wife would never do such a thing!"

"How could he go and jump in another woman's bed? Don't I mean more than that to him? Doesn't our marriage mean anything to him?" she lamented as the tears flowed freely again.

"I can't say why, dear. He's one of those men who thinks only of sex and nothing else. I could tell it from the day I met him."

"I mean I've had other men flirt with me, but I've always put them in their place," she revealed. "I did it because I thought we had something special."

"He's a scoundrel!"

"Lord knows I've tried to talk to him," she continued. "I've tried to tell him how I feel about things. He used to listen but he got to the point he would just brush me off."

"You can't reason with someone like him."

"He made me feel unloved," she declared. "He started acting like he didn't care."

"A man like that doesn't care for anyone but himself!"

35. It's too early, maybe later.

36. It's too late. You should've asked me earlier.

37. I forgot to take my pill today.

38. I think I ate something bad.

39. You've been drinking!

40. I just washed the sheets.

41. You're just not romantic anymore.

42. You'll get me pregnant.

43. I'm depressed.

44. I just want to talk.

45. The karma is not right.

46. I'm having chest palpitations!

47. If you loved me you'd understand.

48. Let's wait and do it later in the week.

49. Huh? What? It's not the weekend yet.

50. If we wait a week or two we'll appreciate each other more.

51. Oh, you flirt with every woman you see and then expect me to cuddle up to you?

"She lives right down at the end of our street. How am I ever going to face anyone in this neighborhood again?" she continued. "I don't know what to do."

"Get your things together and come over here."

"Oh, mamma, I don't want to leave him. He says he's sorry," she declared. "But I don't know if I can trust him anymore."

"I don't see how you can trust a man like that."

"Maybe if we have a baby it'll make things better," she pondered. "I know he'd like a child."

"That's the last thing you need! If he'll cheat on you now, what do you think he'll do when you're pregnant? Or, exhausted from taking care of a baby?"

"He says she doesn't mean anything to him," she declared as the sniffles returned.

"Oh, sure, he says that now that he's got what he wants out of her."

"He says he loves me," she cried.

"That's a joke! If he loved you he would've never done what he's done."

52. Let's not go and spoil a perfectly good evening.

53. I've got so much to do tomorrow morning.

54. My new pastor says sex is only for procreation.

55. Can't you see how much I hate even thinking about this right now?

56. Huh? You just woke me up.

57. I saw the way you looked at her!

58. I'm still sore from the last time.

59. I don't feel pretty.

60. No.

61. I feel bloated.

62. !#@$#! yourself!

63. It just seems so nasty now.

64. You don't appreciate all that I do for you!

65. You only think of yourself! You're just being selfish.

66. You're the one wanting sex. It's your problem, not mine!

67. You've put on too much weight for me to enjoy it anymore.

68. How do I know you haven't got some disease from the toilet seats at your work?

"Mamma, why is this happening to me?" she wailed. "I just don't understand."

"Dear, it's not your fault."

"I don't know what more I could do to make him love me," she continued. "I've really tried."

"Everybody knows you have. You'll have to face the facts, you can't make him love you. You can't keep him from straying if he's got a mind to do so."

"Oh, he makes me so mad!" she yelled. "I hope he gets some disease and his dick falls off!"

"It would serve him right!"

The young woman paused for a moment and then quietly said, "Now I understand what you went through, Mamma."

"It wasn't easy. Your father was no good. I loved him and did my best by him but he wasn't happy unless he was chasing some young thing in a short skirt."

"How did you know when it was the end?" she asked.

"It wasn't easy. I kept trying to save our marriage much too long. But one day I finally realized he didn't appreciate what I was trying to do, then I knew it was over."

"Oh, give me strength!" the woman pleaded in desperation and despair.

"The Lord will give you strength. You can rely on Him."

"He's got me this far," the young woman declared. "I know He'll see me through this and I'll come out a better person."

"Listen to me, dear. There's nothing wrong with you. You have good, strong Christian values."

"I can thank you for that," she offered. "My earliest recollections are you reading the Bible to me every night before bed and making me see the love of God and how we have to be obedient to His Word."

"This is when you'll need Him the most."

"If I only knew what caused this," she cried. "Am I guilty, too?"

"You're as innocent as the driven snow. It's that husband of yours who's gonna have to face retribution at the hand of the Lord! I wouldn't want to be in his shoes when the time comes."

69. I've already put my hair up for tomorrow morning and I'm not going to risk messing it up.

70. Right now it'll make me cry! You don't want to see me cry, do you?

71. The way I feel tonight I would lose all respect for you as a man.

72. I just don't feel close to you right now.

73. How can you even think of sex?

74. I love you too much to give in.

75. I'm under a lot of stress right now.

76. If you touch me I'll puke.

77. I can't.

78. It's not fun anymore.

79. Haven't we done it enough?

80. You'll be okay. Just go take a cold shower.

81. Who in their right mind would want to do it now?

82. There's too much light coming through the window.

83. You might as well get your mind off of that right now!

84. Right now I need to use all my energy to concentrate on my job.

85. There are millions of people not having sex tonight. Why should we be any different?

"Tell me what to do, Mamma," the young woman pleaded. "Should I leave him?"

"Well, you don't have to leave him. Just come over and stay a few days until you can think clearer. If he really loves you he'll understand."

"Do you really think I should?" the young woman pondered. "I just can't believe he's done this!"

"Honey, believe it. He's a man."

"Okay, I think you're right. I'll be over within the hour," she decided. "Thank you, mamma."

"You get on over here and I'll give you a hug and we can cry together."

"Okay, mamma. I'll be there," she said as she hung the phone up.

86. I'm not going to work tomorrow with red blotches on my face much less a hickey on my neck.

87. To cleanse my soul my guru insisted I swear off carnal pleasures for a month.

88. We'll have plenty of time for this in the future.

89. This is a total waste of my time.

90. You're not sexy anymore.

91. I've never really liked it.

92. Let's get some sleep first.

93. No way! No how!

94. I feel fat.

95. I'm ticklish.

96. I find it so boring.

97. Is that all you can think of?

98. Get your !#@$#! hands off of me!

99. Tonight, instead of having sex let's...

100. Oh! Don't give me that innocent look! You know what you did!

The elderly mother gently placed the receiver back on the hook as she wiped a tear with her apron. She took a deep breath and slowly shook her head at the thought of how her daughter had been treated. What a low-life her son-in-law was. With a toss of her head she headed toward the spare bedroom to make sure it was ready. As she climbed the stairs she blurted out with a huff, "Men!"

"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." The Bible - 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

101. I still have a headache.

"...so that Satan will not tempt you..."

3 comments:

  1. well done jerry,it´s funny and there´s always a lot of truth in humour. i´d like to hear the husband´s point of view!

    michael mccarthy

    ReplyDelete
  2. Very clever. The list should be published separately under the title "No".

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well done! Humorous with its insight. Made me nod to myself, thinking, what a great list, and who hasn't heard that one before? Funny.

    ReplyDelete