Difficult Subject by Devon Tavern

Cam is abducted by an alien species with a penchant for being much too honest in Devon Tavern's funny sci-fi short.

Cam snapped harshly to consciousness. He was naked on a cold metal table, his hands and feet bound to the table. A harsh bright light shone in his face.

"Where am I? What is going on here?" he shouted into darkness all around him.

"And we're back at the start," a disembodied voice in the distance said. "Sir, we need to do some tests. I have a few people in line in front of you. I'm going as fast as I can. You'll just have to be patient."

"I don't want to be patient and I don't want to be your patient. If you can't get to me now, I'll just go away and come back." Cam rattled at his bonds.

A shadowed figure stood over him. "I know this sucks but there is nothing I can do. You don't respond to the anesthetic like the general population. You're supposed to be unconscious and immobile."

"So, I'm trapped here like an animal waiting for you to run tests against my will?"

"Cam, you have to trust me on this. When the anesthetic wears off you won't remember a thing. Try to make the best of things."

"Who are you? How do you know my name?" Cam said.

"I know your name because we've met before and I don't forget. I'd tell you my name but you'll just go back to calling me Skippy like you always do," the figure in the shadows said.

"Can you just do my tests now, Skippy?"

"I can't. The computer gives me the names in a certain order. I have to do them that way or I get yelled at. Besides, if I did you right now, you'd still be awake and aware for the next 27 minutes until your short term memory buffer clears. Just focus on the fact that you will not remember this," Skippy said.

"How many fingers do you have to stick up how many butts before you know everything you need to know?" Cam asked.

"You know I don't use my finger. I use a probe. I use a different probe for each subject for hygiene purposes."

"If you're going to stick something up my ass, I think I've earned the right to mess with your head. Why are you doing these tests?"

"I have answered this question a hundred times. Unlike you, I don't forget this conversation when we're done. We are doing important research on mankind, the type of research that could save your species from extinction. Is that reason enough?"

"Why is mankind in danger of extinction? Did you do something to us?"

"No, this is all you. You're moving too fast, over populating, bio-engineering, overusing antibiotics, and promiscuity. You're just one superbug away from becoming history. We've been introducing random 'enhancements' around the world to protect your species from a crippling pandemic," Skippy said.

"So at least I'm doing some good here," Cam said. He stopped fighting his bonds.

"It's probably healthy to look at it that way," Skippy said with a sigh.

"I'm part of a study to find a cure of horrible diseases that could wipe out mankind. And I'm being enhanced to boot. How is that not doing good?" Cam said.

A pause filled the air. "You're in the control group," Skippy said and then covered his mouth.

"I'm in the what?"

"The control group; we haven't done anything to you. We just need to study you as a comparison against the enhanced population."

"So you're telling me, you abduct me once a year knowing full well I'll be lucid for a whole battery of tests. All this just to support your double blind study?"

"That's close but I don't want to correct you."


"You got very angry last time."

"More angry than this?" Cam said rattling against his bonds again.

Another pause filled the air. "We don't abduct you; you're pre-programmed to show up on your own. We bring you in once a quarter, not once a year, and you are the only lucid in the control group, so we can't afford to lose you."

Cam was surprised to realize he could get angrier. "So, you drag me in against my will for the type of humiliation and degradation you'd normally have the common decency to first knock people out?"

"Well, you normally get the worst of it."

"Because I'm lucid during the tests?

"No, because you're a total pain in the ass to deal with. Most of the other techs hate you. Words hurt, you know, and we're a little tired of you reminding us we have small penises and it doesn't help that you're always waving yours around to get attention. I usually volunteer to take you so you don't get beat up or gagged or inappropriately probed."

"There is appropriate way to probe people?"

"Let's just say, the normal procedure is one probe per hole. Sometimes you get more than one at a time, sometimes they don't use clean ones, and sometimes you should consider yourself lucky we do have small penises."

Cam was speechless.

"Maybe you'll get lucky. If two lucids in the main study are removed, we will not need you in the control group and I'll get you dropped out of the study."

"I guess I owe you an apology. Thanks for looking out for me," Cam said.

"It's ok, Cam. You're up. Let's get these tests done and I'll see if I can sneak you one of those 'Alien' beers you like so much." Skippy turned around to get new gloves and a fresh, hygienic set of probes.

The table shifted under Cam. It lifted his legs up and away from each other. Skippy turned back to face Cam who was bare ass spread eagle. Skippy took the anal probe out of the kit and twisted it until the light on the end pulsed. A horrible stench overcame him, as Cam snickered.

"Damn it, Cam!" Skippy said covering his nose.

"And the worst part about that is you are going to remember this," Cam laughed hysterically.

"You know what Cam?" Skippy said with an evil grin. "It seems I'm out of lube."


  1. A clever take on a SyFy standard. A short, witty, well-written piece with a bit of an edge to it. Can't wait to see more from this writer:-)

  2. I loved this. It kept me reading and was very interesting. The humour twist was very well done! I want to see more.

    Ziyad H.

  3. Very well done. Timed like a great comedy routine! CW

  4. I liked it. I'm so ashamed. Lol. "Pain in the ass" haha.

  5. Thanks for all the great comments.