Chesstity Bout by Soren James

A naive man plays chess against a sexually predatory woman in Soren James's amusingly crude flash.

"I'm so good I beat myself sometimes," I quipped.

She looked up from the chess board and raised one eyebrow to say, "I bet you do."

I nervously moved my pawn, taking her bishop. She then asked, "How many moves ahead are you thinking?"

I began to reply in earnest, but she immediately cut in with: "Only, I hoped we might fuck next."

I wasn't entirely sure what "fuck" was, but thinking it a technical term with which I was unfamiliar I briefly feigned extra thoughtfulness, and then quickly changed the subject to say: "That was a nice opening, by the way."

"Several people have remarked on my opening," she said, then forked my king and queen with her knight - but I escaped by using my rook in her open file.

Her next move seemed more hurried. I thought perhaps nerves were getting to her, but then I saw what she'd done. "Damn! Queen takes bishop, I didn't see that coming," I said.

"Maybe you'd like to see me coming?" I felt her look at me intently, probably hoping to revel in my humiliated and weakened position.

"Too late, you've already outflanked me," I said dejectedly, "I have a weak back rank... I guess I should resign."

Her head cocked to one side as though having a crick in her neck. "We could resign to the bedroom?"

"I'd rather we finish the game here," I said sharply.

She made her move, accomplishing a swift check mate, to which she curiously exclaimed: "You're fucked, mate". I thereby deduced that "fuck" probably meant "check" where she came from.

"By the way," I said, correcting her, "we say 'check mate' here."

"You can check my mating out any time. Where would you like to resign?"

"I normally just push the king over," I said, feeling strangely nervous - perhaps in shock at losing to a woman.

Leaning forward she revealed her substantial cleavage and said, "I could push your king over for you."

I felt a little incensed at this. Conceding a game is a man's own affair - not to be taken into the hands of one's opponent, and especially not the hands of a woman. I always believed rules to be there for a good reason and so, responding a little irritably, I said: "That may constitute a foul!"

"A little indecency never hurt anyone," she said, obviously possessing a somewhat laissez faire attitude toward rule systems.

So I emphasized: "I'm not sure chess's ruling bodies would see it that way."

"Ruling bodies? Sounds fun. Is that what you're into?"

"I believe in official channels, yes."

"I could be your ruling body, and you could officiate my channels," she said as she slowly brushed something imperceptible from her cleavage.

"I believe impersonating a chess official would be against the law," I informed her.

"What about impersonating a bishop?" she said, looking at my trousers. She then reached out, gently feeling them and my whole body seemed to shudder. That was game over for me.


  1. A good bawdy tale with entertaining puns. Thank you,