Friday, November 20, 2020

Scenario 67B - Dealing with Entitled New Hires by C.J. Heckman

CJ Heckman educates us on how not to deal with new space mining recruits.

The following transcript is provided as a training reference for prospective Corporate Family Liaisons. Let's take a look at what E[339033] did right with her orientation group and reflect on what she could have done better.

E[339033]: "Hello, Everyone! Welcome aboard Interstellar Extractions Mining Installation Maverick-34! My name is Interstellar Extractions Corporate Family Liaison Employee Number 339033, but my friends just call me Employee Number 339033. I am so excited to get to know all my new Corporate Siblings! Who here is excited to start their new life as a member of the Interstellar Extractions Corporate Family?"

The new hires cheer with an unacceptably low level of enthusiasm.

E[339033]: "Woah, sounds like some of my new corp-sibs are still waking up from cold sleep! Let's try that again. Who here is excited to become a member of the Corporate Family?"

The new hires cheer with a marginally acceptable level of enthusiasm.

E[339033]: "That's more like it! Today we're going to go over some of the benefits of your exciting new job. We'll start with everyone's favorite, health insurance! At Interstellar Extractions, we're all about giving you the freedom to choose the coverage that's right for you. For example, let's look at a basic medical service, oxygen. Maybe you're someone who likes a lot of oxygen, my fellow airheads out there know who they are! You probably don't mind taking the hit on your paycheck to have the tanks in your sleeping quarters changed out weekly. Interstellar Extractions has a respiratory coverage plan just for you!

"On the other hand, maybe you're more of a no-frills type, someone who doesn't mind a touch of the old blue lips if it means you can afford to eat more than just standard nutritional paste. Well, there's a plan for you too!

"There's even a plan if you want to opt out of respiratory coverage, it's called... the airlock!"

The new hires appear offended by E[339033]'s humor. Remember to read your audience. If they are not responding to the jokes in the official orientation script, feel free to substitute any one of the 734 approved humorous remarks listed in Appendix D of your employee handbook.

E[339033]: "Geez, tough crowd, well let's move on and talk dental. Interstellar Extractions is a proud provider of adult dental coverage."

There is a scattered round of applause.

E[339033]: "Unfortunately, our on-station dentist is out of network. The nearest in-network dentist is on Titan, so it's recommended you book your cleanings 20-30 years in advance."

There is a period of 6.4 seconds during which E[339033]'s orientation group makes several rude remarks and unsubstantiated accusations.

E[339033]: "Woah! Where did that come from? Let's all take a moment to recall that Interstellar Extractions doesn't have to provide us with dental coverage. They do it because they care about us as members of the Corporate Family.

"Speaking of which, let's talk family planning. Remember, your Corporate Siblings are just that, siblings. Interstellar Extractions covers the only contraceptive you'll ever need, abstinence."

Some of the more morally deficient new hires are disgruntled by this information.

E[339033]: "Alright, come on people! You don't get to turn this mining installation into a crazy sex party just because you'll be living out the duration of your life contract here. Remember, our CEO and Corporate Father, Mr. Don Jacobs, is a deeply religious man, so abortions are not covered should you chose to act irresponsibly!"

Third party focus groups have found it is best not to mention Mr. Jacobs' piety while the trial over his alleged sexual misconduct is ongoing.

E[339033]: "Let's try to keep the unprofessional outbursts to a minimum from here on out. Next on the agenda, we have a brief introduction to the Life Merit Estimator. The LME is a nifty algorithm used to speculate on the total value of an employee's life as a function of the profit they are projected to generate. It is vital that you report your weekly return on investment data to this system in an accurate and timely manner. In the event that you sustain a life-threatening injury, the LME will be used to evaluate whether or not it makes sense to invest in your recovery, and it can't make the right decision unless you provide it with the right data!"

Many of the new hires appear shocked by this information. E[NaN - EMPLOYEE DECEASED] stands up from his seat and directly accosts E[339033].

E[NaN - EMPLOYEE DECEASED]: "Are you saying this algorithm is going to pull the plug on us if it calculates we aren't a sound investment? This is insane!"

At this point in the orientation, E[339033] appears to reach her breaking point and becomes hysterical.

E[339033]: "Every time it's the same with you people! Don't you get it? Employer provided health insurance is a benefit. An add-on! A perk! Do you seriously think we're going to keep you on life support indefinitely if you get crushed between two asteroids? You think you have a right to breathe our air? You think it's our responsibility to fix your rotten teeth? We are a COR-POR-A-TION, ever heard of one? We were created to make money, and if you aren't making us money then what do we care whether you live or die?"

The new hires are understandably taken aback. E[339033] is silent for a few moments, then takes a deep breath and collects herself.

E[339033]: "Okay - excuse me, Let's just - let's move on.

"Up next is vision, we don't cover it..."


  1. Very funny...excellent satire. Just enough truth mixed in to make it a little scary. Thanks for sharing this story with us.

  2. Reminds me of a lot of meetings I used to attend. Funny! Insurance is the only commodity where profit comes from non use, loss from the actual use of the product. No coincidence Kafka worked in that business.

  3. Loved this! Funny and scary at the same time.